A guy just picked up his new sports car and took it out for a spin. He was flooring it around town, when he flew past a police car. The cop gave pursuit, so the man thought he'll see what the car was capable of and tried to lose the cop. He couldn't shake the copper so he gave up and pulled over. The cop walked up to the car ans said "Look I've been having a good day up until now, but I tell you what, give me a good reason for not pulling over and I'll let you off"
The man sat and thought for a minute then replied "Well my wife just left me for a Cop, and I thought you were the prick trying to give her back to me"

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A man and his wife were in a terrible car accident. The husband came away from it with a few nick a scratches, but the wife got the worse of it, suffering alot of damage to the right side of her face. At the hospital the doctor said that unless she had a skin graph she will be left with a scar. So the husband said it alright they can have the skin from his butt cheek to do the skin graph. So they did the operation and afterwards the husband and wife agreed not to tell anybody about it. When they returned home their friends and family threw them a party. Half way through the party the wife came up to the husband and said " I don't know how to thank you for what you have done for me" The husband replied "No need dear, I get all the thanks I need everytime I see your mother kiss your right cheek"

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Two backpackers were walking through a country area. It was getting dark and they saw a farm house in the distant. So they decided to go up to the farm house to see if they could find somewhere to stay. The farmer agreed to let them stay but on one condition they were not to enter his daughters room and sleep with her. They both agreed so he let them stay. In the morning the farmer came down and saw both backpackers were sick as a dog.
"You two were up in my daughters room weren't you?"
"Yes" they both replied
"Did you sleep with her?"
"Yes" they replied
"Well there is only one cure for this. Both of you have to go out to the farm and pick 50 of your favourite fruit"
So they both head out to the farm. The first backpacker returned with 50 grapes
"Now you have to stick them up your ass"
So the backpacker started sticking the grapes up his ass while looking out the window he started laughing.
The farmer said "Your sticking grapes up your ass, what can be so damn funny about that"
The backpacker replied "My mates out there picking watermelons"